on 999

holy crap. this game was amazing. i started playing nine hours, nine persons, nine doors last night at around 3 am yesterday, thinking it would help me go to sleep. instead, i played through the entire game, eventually sleeping at around noon the next day. although the text rolled a little slow for my tastes, the unfolding of the mystery kept me up all night.

one thing that really caught me off guard about the game was the violence/gore. i am usually pretty ok with those sorts of things, but the inclusion of those themes in this game was unexpected and brought with it a sense of suspense that the game really benefits from. looking at the box, i now realize that the esrb was m for mature, but honestly, this is one of the first games i have played that the label feels appropriate. i am anxious to play the game again, because my first playthrough opened up a lot more questions than answers.

on a side note, a king egg roll opened up near me and i think i gave myself a stomach ache from eating too many.

on stress

this past week, i have been feeling pretty antsy about everything. i am not really sure why, but something in the air has been setting me on edge. like a small, but steady pressure on my shoulders. i guess you could call it stress, but i cannot think of the cause. i thought i just needed a change of pace, but that has not really helped. it is very unusual for me to be too worried about anything for too long either. although, on a side note, a lot of people around me are pretty tense about all sorts of matters. work, school, business, relationships... maybe that stuff just lingers after they go.

i have always felt that if things are out of your control, it is pointless to worry. however, most people around me do not share this point of view. they fret and think and drive themselves crazy without taking a step in any direction. well... most. some people decide on something and then take steps to making it happen. they have my admiration. i sometimes wonder whether my patience is a sign of maturity or one of laziness. regardless, i am where i am because of myself, although it is way too easy to blame other people. i guess that is just something i will have to get over.

anyhow, i cannot seem to shake this foreboding feeling, so i guess time will tell. see you on the upside.

on movies

despite enjoying movies, it is rare that i go to a movie theater to see one. instead, i tend to binge watch movies on tv and dvd for a week straight about twice a year. personally, i do not think i have bad taste in films, but a majority of my good friends refuse to see movies based on past recommendations. a few examples perhaps? vulgar, ghost world, punch drunk love, barfly, and l'iceberg. sure, these films are not everyone's cup of tea, but the worst movies they have ever seen in their lives? i find that hard to believe. and yet, when i do come across something great, they just say, "remember ?!?"

granted, i have seen a lot of bad movies, and i do mean a lot. usually when i use netflix, i try to find the worst sounding movies to watch, because, sometimes they surprise you. i think it has to do with the time dedication. a movie takes roughly two hours to watch, and if you think it is terrible, it can seem to drag on forever. i guess i just have a lot of patience for entertainment. i especially enjoy slow burn (ones with build up) and murder mysteries, which i understand not everyone enjoys. still, it would be nice to hear a critique about a movie instead of "worst film ever".

on moving

moving really is one of the worst experiences. leaving a familiar place is always a rough, remembering the good times you had there and so on. but even if you hated the place you used to live at, there is always the physical aspect of moving to bring you down as well. i do not know about you, but i tend to accumulate crap at an incredible pace, and packing all that stuff is an enormous task. a few years ago, i had decided to live a sparse lifestyle, trying to never own more than i could carry in my car at any time. as a result, i tended to buy lots of portable things (my decision to buy a cot for example). living life on the go like this has its ups and downs, but for the most part, it is pretty nice. having fewer things really does cut down on a lot of the headaches of living. also, the purchases you make tend to be a big deal, as i try to get things that cover several bases at once. but, like i said earlier this week, the problem is that you miss out on a lot of luxuries that you do not miss until they are gone, such as furniture.

actually, one luxury that i do make an exception for is books. i tried the whole electronic book thing, but there is something about having a book in your hands that makes them that much more enjoyable. unfortunately, books take up a whole lot of space, and moving them around is a difficult task. still having a mobile library in your trunk is pretty nice, even if it makes getting to your spare tire a pain.

but i guess in the end it is usually worth it. eventually things will settle down and boxes get unpacked and life goes on. you make new memories and fill the space you call home. but for now, moving still feels like compression and depression.

on the cot

so far so good. i am not sure what all the fuss is about how uncomfortable sleeping on a cot is. personally, i think rolling beds are the worst place to sleep ever, but that is just me. also, earplugs are awesome, and i have never realized it before. this week has been on the up and up, with me being able to actually get some decent shut eye, although waking up is still kind of a problem. something to work on i suppose.

i guess i have never had the opportunity to appreciate it before, but furniture makes a huge difference on how things in a room feel. maybe because i have been surrounded by office furniture for so long, but a dining table finally makes sense. someday, if i ever get to have my own house, i think it would be nice to make all the furniture for it. true, the only experience i have with woodworking was two years of wood shop in junior high, and most of my furniture will suck, but that does not matter. there is something to be said about creating things with your own two hands. it just adds a sense of accomplishment that i think people lack these days. well... someday. hopefully.

on lying

i am usually pretty terrible when it comes to lying about stuff. i think it is because you can read everything i am thinking on my face. however, i am not sure if it is a recent thing, but lately, i find myself lying about stupid things for no reason. i have concluded that the easiest lie to tell is one that the other person wants to believe. at that point, it does not even feel like lying anymore, to be honest, but rather just letting someone hear what they want to hear. but at the same time, it makes the lie even worse.

i am not proud of this new found ability to lie, but it does make life a lot easier to go through. instead of having to explain an entire situation, which usually bores the other party to death, a quick lie of, "oh... the same ole thing," brings that conversation to a stop and other topics are discussed. i think in the past, i have made resolutions to be more truthful, but it never seems to stick. when you think about it, half the thoughts you have in your head on any given day paint you to be a terrible person, and who really wants to see that? but then again, maybe i am just making excuses to not have to tell the truth or burden other people or even hurt someone's feelings.

i get the feeling politeness and honesty do not go hand in hand. where is the line drawn between the two? either way, you usually end up alienating everyone you know and interact with, just in different ways. maybe someday i will be honest with myself and others, but for now, keeping the easy lie seems like the best option.

on horoscopes

reading horoscopes are one of my guilty pleasures in life. although, i feel the need to say that i do not particularly believe in them. well... the daily ones at least. i am not sure why, but the whole zodiac idea based upon the twelve months of the year appeals to me. unfortunately, i only remember the signs and descriptions of november through june, so everyone with birthdays in july, august, september, and october are out of luck.

in particular, i really enjoy reading the in depth ones based on the hour and day of someone's birth, indicating where the planets are and all that mumbo jumbo. when meeting someone for the first few times, i like to find out when their birthday is so i can mentally map out a picture of them. because in a lot of ways, horoscopes are a good way to frame the world, because they give you a general idea to work from. regardless of whether you believe them or not, it gives a starting point or a focus that inquiries or observations can be made. for instance, if you ask someone to read their horoscope, indicating their supposed likes and dislikes, from their response, you can learn information that normally does not come up in regular conversation. instead of asking weird questions like, are you punctual, a horoscope gives you a list of traits that people agree or disagree to in response.

in the same way, daily horoscopes are interesting because they play mind tricks on the reader. if your daily horoscope says that, "you will meet a mysterious stranger today," more likely than not, you will pay more attention to people you normally would not. even if the horoscope does not come true, it still got you to change how you look at your surroundings, or at least pay more attention to it. all in all, horoscopes do not strike me as such a horrible thing. i mean, i guess eating fortune cookies every morning for a cryptic message would also work to spice up your life, but then you have to worry about exact duplicates and bad grammar/spelling. since horoscopes are usually in syndicated newspapers and usually written by people who want you to read them more often, there is usually pretty high quality assurance in terms of literary standards as well as useful (more so than some of the nonsense in fortune cookies), if vague descriptions of what to expect each day.

instead of an end all, be all, try to think of things as a starting point. you never know what is around the corner, but you sure will not see it if you do not look.

on sleep

o man. like most people out there, i do not get enough sleep. most days, i feel like going to sleep at 10pm, but life just will not let me. i guess it would also be good to note that i have spent the better part of the decade sleeping on the floor or sofa. however, sick of not getting good sleep, i finally broke down and bought a nice little cot that i can carry around with me. it is pretty firm and compact, so just the way i like it. actually, now that i think about it, i think my main problem is with waking up rather than sleeping. sleep is a good thing, but in the mornings, i think i would rather lie in bed and daydream. i would say i do that just about as much as i sleep, which would be 3 or 4 hours a day.

my foresight also took into consideration noise, for which i bought some earplugs. although i must admit, i have only used them twice in my life, once for shooting a gun and the other time for a concert. but for the most part, they are not unpleasant, and i can hardly hear myself type right now with them in.

going back to daydreams, sometimes i have difficulty differentiating daydreams from ordinary sorts of dreams. i have all sorts of weird thoughts and stories going on all day and i get the mixed up sometimes. i guess that is why i am trying to keep this blog. i hope that it will help me develop a writer's voice as well as logically focusing my writing instead of having it meander around aimlessly.

well... wish me luck with sleeping for now.

on reliability

i am a terrible friend. no question about it. unreliable, but surprisingly consistent. i am not really sure why i am so unreliable though. i wonder what sort of experiences cause someone to be reliable, and how i missed out on all those life lessons. but on the up side, i think i know where i fall into the world. see, i might not be there for this event or that event, but on the whole, i am always "around". while talking to one of my friends about this, he told me that he never worried if i was not around, because he was sure sooner or later, i would swing by or call and see if he wanted to eat. so in a round about way, i am reliable (as long as there is no deadline or expectation, otherwise, i suck).

unfortunately, the rest of the world cannot wait. so with work and school and pretty much every other aspect of life, i am terrible. bills? eh... homework? yeah... no. seriously folks, what grand lesson did i miss to turn out this way?

on originality

it is pretty hard to come up with a new and unique thought. lately, i find that my writing is pretty uninspired and all the things i do want to write about have been done before, better than i could have done myself. but i figure if i keep plugging away at it, things will become clearer. "write about what you love," people say, but the thing is, ideas kinda float around in my head, and trying to grab it and clearly identify things is pretty hard.

on a side note, i am beginning to think being different is way over rated. i have spent too much of my life disliking things that became too popular. sure, it is a little annoying to hear the same song over and over, but things should really be judged by their own merit instead of what everyone else says. this whole scene of, "i liked them better before they sold out," is in itself is a terrible thing. all that effort and emotion and for what? nothing i guess. is it giving up the good fight? i wonder. but, when you take a good look, it all comes down to doing things because you enjoy them.

i guess what i am trying to say is to keep an open mind. discuss things rather than argue. you cannot be right all the time, but when you are, at least try to not be an asshat about it.

on collecting

i enjoy collecting things. ever since i was young, i collected baseball cards, comic books, and now video games. although, i am beginning to think that the older i get the more obsessive compulsive compulsive i get about things. before, it was enough to just have a few of something, but now, i feel the urge to get entire collections. complete sets of this book series or multiple copies of different editions. this has even carried over to my gaming life. in fallout 3, i have 100+ dinner plates stashed away in a desk somewhere, and even more empty bottles in a vending machine out in the middle of nowhere. when did a hobby become something far, far worse? i worry slightly that this hording instinct and collection of limited edition things is just the tip of the iceberg of a much bigger problem. perhaps this is just a phase or an attempt to bring order to my life that i am unable to find in a more productive manner. but does not everyone have a special something they collect? the internet makes it so easy to find anything your heart desires, at least in a material sense. and speaking of collecting, points are amazingly fun to collect. it does not even matter what they are for, i will usually go out of my way to get them. frequent flyer miles? casino comp cards? heck, even monopoly pieces from mcdonalds.

maybe i need some help...

on frequent flyer miles

personally, i am not a huge fan of traveling. going off to some other place is fun, but honestly, i would rather stay home and sleep. however, if i had stockpiled a whole bunch of flyer miles from a credit card or something, i know for a fact that i would probably end up traveling anyhow. it would almost be like a game, trying to max out those points in one fashion or another. deciding what location would be the most fun within the limits of what was available. enough points to go to arizona? i wonder who i could visit there... maybe i should try going north instead. ah... the possibilities are endless.

which reminds me, i really should get a new passport.

a little piece of mind

i think it is safe to say that as i get older, the crippling doubt i felt when i was younger is no longer there. not to say that i am a brave and fearless person now, because there are still a lot of things that i cannot seem to bring myself to do, but overall, i would have to say that i am pretty comfortable in my own skin these days. although in some ways, this is just as frightening as not knowing what to do. at least when you are younger, you are willing to take the risks that could potentially change your life.

this year has been tougher than most. i really do not want to go into too much detail, but maybe someday i will. while living in solitude has been quite nice, i sometimes worry that i will forget how to connect to other people in a social situation. i feel like getting to this point, i have burned more bridges than i ever wanted to, and even though i hope to make it up at some point in the future when things are better, it will be too late. however, what is done is done, and i will have to live with the decisions that i have made.

instead, i think i will try to keep the self reflectiveness to a minimum and just write. today will be the exception.